I am going to get really vulnerable with you today. I am feeling pangs of discontentment creep in.
A little back story: We bought our house because it was an incredible deal in a decent area of town. I have never loved the exterior, the floorplan, or how close the neighboring houses are; nevertheless, Tim and I were newly married and this opportunity fell in our lap. The monthly mortgage payment on this three bedroom two and a half bath home would be half the rent of our small one bedroom apartment. We saw the value and pounced without ever looking at any other properties. It is a great starter home, but I never imagined we would stay more than three years, or so. It is now coming up on six, and I am seriously craving some change.
Hard core minimizing intensified the restless thoughts that were lingering in my mind, with each decluttered space adding fuel to the fire of discontentment. I found myself regularly fantasizing about how our future home would be filled with old charm, tons of natural light, a better floorplan, etc. Basically, everything our current house isn’t. If you don’t know me, I am an “all or nothing” kind of girl. I dive into things passionately and wholeheartedly. When I set my mind to do something, it happens. But lately, I feel lost. I honestly don’t know the next step our family will take or where we will eventually end up. There is an internal struggle where part of me is excited about the unknown, but the control freak in me wants an itinerary. It is easier said than done, but I must rely on my faith, trusting with certainty that God has my back.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the provisions of this little house and the memories trapped within it walls. Good, bad, and ugly, it has seen it all: newlywed bliss, housing friends and family who needed a place to stay, infertility struggles, pet adoptions, bringing home and raising our rainbow baby, and all the mundane in between. It has been a good house and will continue to be where my little family resides as long as we are living in Greensboro, NC. It just doesn’t make financial sense to move until we are leaving the area. We are truly blessed with a home that more than meets our needs. Still, this house just doesn’t feel like “home”; leaving me restless, unsettled, and craving change.
I spent some time meditating over my feelings and talking it out with my husband, Tim. Through this, I have realized that I have subconsciously been living in the future. Always thinking that the next phase will be better or more important than this one. Then, I had a light bulb moment. If I am always looking ahead, I will miss my entire life waiting for the “something better”. I have resolved to live in the present- in all areas. Even though I have no idea where our modest dream home will be located or a time frame for which we have it, I do believe we are in our current home for a purpose. I am able to acknowledge that it is not our “forever home” or “forever city”, but I can joyfully make the most of the time we are here.
Are you nodding in agreement, thinking, “Me too!”? Maybe it isn’t about you house, specifically. it could be anything you’re trying to wish away with the “hurry up and wait” mentality. If you are experiencing feelings of discontentment with your current phase of life, like I was, I hope this provides some encouragement. You are not alone in your feelings. Spend some time this week making a list of things that you are grateful for. Focus on the positives and incorporate activities that bring you peace. Make the decision to live in the now. Not only will you likely receive some clarity, your future self will thank you!